The Quest for Humility

I have been convicted by both friends and the Holy Spirit of my pride. From prayer and self analysis, I think that a main cause for this pride is a belief in free will

I have come to discover that everyone is a theologian, it only depends if your view about God is the correct one. The thoughts in your head about God make a huge impact on how you live for him. So, for example, if you believe that God bases his worth on you by what you do, then that means that you are going to try and perform for him. You are going to do all the rituals and ceremonies because thats how you believe God finds value in you. But if You believe that you are broken, and its not your works that make you righteous before God, then you will brag in your faults: because in your faults you are made strong. I have spent many many hours discussing one of the most popular debates in theology: free will vs. calvinism. After spending all of this time discussing it, i have come to the conclusion that both sides have truth. I believe in election, and perseverance of the Saints, i partially agree with Total depravity. Although i do not believe that man is so depraved that it is impossible for him (that is himself with out the Holy Spirit's help) to do what is good. Basically i believe that man can (meaning has the ability to) make a righteous choice with out direct help from the Holy Spirit. Although in order for him to get to the point to make a righteous choice, i do believe that it is because he has been trained by the Holy Spirit  in the past to make that choice. Ok. now that you understand my theological perspective, let me explain how a belief in free will has indirectly caused my pride.

If freewill exists, which i assume that it does, then that means that it takes some effort on my part to do the right thing. And if it takes effort on my part, then logically i deserve some credit for my "good" decisions. If i believed in Total depravity, as a Calvinist would define it, i would have no right to brag about my good works, because i am so depraved that every single "good" decision that i make, i only made because the Holy Spirit made it thru me. This would make it very easy to keep yourself humble, but because i am convinced that free will exist, a part of me takes credit for the "right" decisions that i make. I understand how dangerous this can be. I have seen Christian leaders who are so full of themselves, and if i ever become that way, i will be the biggest hypocrite of them all. I very critically judge them based on their pride. If i ever become what i absolutely hate in other people, then i will be heart broken. Although i know that i think more of myself than i ought too, i have one advantage: I am at least aware of it.

A totally prideful person is totally unaware that they are prideful. Admittance of a problem is the first step to change. But at this point i dont know how to change this part of me. Right now all i am doing is praying that God helps me thru this. I am hoping that God will show me where my theology or my heart is wrong. My desire is to be humble, not so that i can brag about my humility, but because i want to be of greater use of him.

I have become aware on how the problem of pride is deeply ingrained in my thoughts and actions. As a result of this problem , i believe that God is going to keep me dependent on him financially for the rest of my life. I watch videos on youtube of these great preachers who are apart of great ministries (Francis Chan, Mark Driscoll, John Piper) and i dont ever think that God will use me to build that large of ministry. I think I might let it get to my head. I hope that God keeps me poor, because then i can be dependent on him. I have never experienced this first hand, but i am sure that it is very humbling when you dont even know where you are going to get food for your family. Financial dependence on God breeds humility. And it is because of this, i might be called to this type of lifestyle.