The Love Language of Gifts

I was having some coffee with a couple of friends, and as the conversation progressed, I mentioned that a newly-wed friend of mine, who used to be one of the most conservative spenders I know, became much more willing to spend money on his wife after getting married. I am not a "gifts" person, and I have never been able to understand how buying an object, which will eventually disintegrate, is portraying love.  But thanks to the conversation over coffee, I now have a better understanding of how gifts and love work together. To me, I always thought gifts were materialistic and superficial. But what I have come to realize is that it is not the actually gift that is important, but the time and effort put into selection of the gift. This logically makes more sense to me. After reflecting on this conversation later in the day, I came to realized that in my brain i had placed both "Materialism" and "Gifts" in the same category, and can be further explained by my experience on 91 hour airplane trip home for Christmas.

I hate Christmas. I believe that it is a Christianized Pagan holiday, in which businesses utilize "generosity" to make profits.  I like the celebration of Christmas, I really do enjoy the time with my family, but what bothers me about the holiday is that businesses exploit it and twist the meaning of "giving," in order to thicken their own wallets. I came across this realization during a full day's layover in San Fransisco. I was returning home to Japan for the Winter break, and as a result of a four hour delay  from snow in Virginia, I eventually ended up in San Fransisco. I arrived at SFO friday night at 2000, but my flight did not leave until 11 am on Sunday. Because I had a whole Saturday in San Fransisco, I decided to explore the city. Taking the Bay Area Rapid Transit (or BART), I left the SFO airport, and arrived at Union Square. I was amazed at the city. There were so many people. It was the first time in my life I was surrounded by people, yet felt so alone. While absorbing the culture, and people, and rush of Union Square, I eventually came a across a HUGE Christmas Tree. As I got a closer look to the Tree, dragged from the Shasta mountains in Northern CA, I found out that it was provided for by Macy's (this is part of the reason i hate Christmas. Businesses support some sort of public display for publicity, and to suck people in to buying more stuff at their store, but i digress.) Sitting down in a chair wet from rain water, I observed. I first noticed the seven story Macy's across the street. I noticed that everyone seemed to be in a hurry. They were carrying boxes and bags, all trying to get their Christmas shopping done, after all, it was the last weekend before Christmas. As I sat and watched the hustle and bustle, I had a revelation. Seeing all of these people stressing out to find their husband the perfect gift, or the game their child could not live with out, I became cynical of all gift giving. I related both the joy of sharing a special gift and the materialism of Christmas into one united idea. I looked around at all of Union Square shoppers, and in my pride and self-righteousness, I had decided that i was not going to be like them. I was not going to continue this materialistic way of looking at love. The businesses were not going to get my money. But the problem was they already had. I bought my whole family Christmas gifts sitting in my suitcase (which i dont know where it was, somewhere between Virginia and Tokyo.) At that moment I decided that I was going to change it. I was not going to let business control my life. By refusing to be transformed by gift giving i thought that i was hurting the business. I was kicking it down, and rubbing sand in its eyes.

It was through the conversation with my friend, that I began to re-evaluate my preconceived ideas about gifts. Although I still do not understand gifts completely, I have a more completed view about how love (the immaterial) and giving away of a certain object (the material) both coexist.

Life should always be examined from different perspectives, because sometimes, just sometimes, you might realize that your perspective is the wrong perspective.  

The Quest for Humility

I have been convicted by both friends and the Holy Spirit of my pride. From prayer and self analysis, I think that a main cause for this pride is a belief in free will

I have come to discover that everyone is a theologian, it only depends if your view about God is the correct one. The thoughts in your head about God make a huge impact on how you live for him. So, for example, if you believe that God bases his worth on you by what you do, then that means that you are going to try and perform for him. You are going to do all the rituals and ceremonies because thats how you believe God finds value in you. But if You believe that you are broken, and its not your works that make you righteous before God, then you will brag in your faults: because in your faults you are made strong. I have spent many many hours discussing one of the most popular debates in theology: free will vs. calvinism. After spending all of this time discussing it, i have come to the conclusion that both sides have truth. I believe in election, and perseverance of the Saints, i partially agree with Total depravity. Although i do not believe that man is so depraved that it is impossible for him (that is himself with out the Holy Spirit's help) to do what is good. Basically i believe that man can (meaning has the ability to) make a righteous choice with out direct help from the Holy Spirit. Although in order for him to get to the point to make a righteous choice, i do believe that it is because he has been trained by the Holy Spirit  in the past to make that choice. Ok. now that you understand my theological perspective, let me explain how a belief in free will has indirectly caused my pride.

If freewill exists, which i assume that it does, then that means that it takes some effort on my part to do the right thing. And if it takes effort on my part, then logically i deserve some credit for my "good" decisions. If i believed in Total depravity, as a Calvinist would define it, i would have no right to brag about my good works, because i am so depraved that every single "good" decision that i make, i only made because the Holy Spirit made it thru me. This would make it very easy to keep yourself humble, but because i am convinced that free will exist, a part of me takes credit for the "right" decisions that i make. I understand how dangerous this can be. I have seen Christian leaders who are so full of themselves, and if i ever become that way, i will be the biggest hypocrite of them all. I very critically judge them based on their pride. If i ever become what i absolutely hate in other people, then i will be heart broken. Although i know that i think more of myself than i ought too, i have one advantage: I am at least aware of it.

A totally prideful person is totally unaware that they are prideful. Admittance of a problem is the first step to change. But at this point i dont know how to change this part of me. Right now all i am doing is praying that God helps me thru this. I am hoping that God will show me where my theology or my heart is wrong. My desire is to be humble, not so that i can brag about my humility, but because i want to be of greater use of him.

I have become aware on how the problem of pride is deeply ingrained in my thoughts and actions. As a result of this problem , i believe that God is going to keep me dependent on him financially for the rest of my life. I watch videos on youtube of these great preachers who are apart of great ministries (Francis Chan, Mark Driscoll, John Piper) and i dont ever think that God will use me to build that large of ministry. I think I might let it get to my head. I hope that God keeps me poor, because then i can be dependent on him. I have never experienced this first hand, but i am sure that it is very humbling when you dont even know where you are going to get food for your family. Financial dependence on God breeds humility. And it is because of this, i might be called to this type of lifestyle.